Thursday, April 05, 2007
I was praying this morning and thinking about the value of truth in friendships. We are told to “Speak the truth in love...” (Ephesians 4:15) I would rather have five friends who always tell me the truth as they see it than a hundred friends who only want to tell me how great I am all the time. Those type of friends who are always willing to be honest are the kind of friends that value my growth as a person over my perception of them.
One of the great detriments I've witnessed is our tendency to surround ourselves with only people who agree with us. In ministry situations, specifically in the charismatic community, there is a propensity to elevate people to a status above reproach. I've seen ministers with only “yes” people around them there to confirm that every decision they make is “right on” and any word they say can be “taken to the bank”.
I feel like having no one around you willing to challenge you dilutes your discernment and distorts your vision of yourself. It is a sobering thought that we could surround ourselves with the praises of man and in the end miss out on the only standard that ever really mattered. A life unchallenged is often a life unchanged.
The hardest part of this, of course, is being this kind of friend. How do you tell your friend that they blew it with their attitude? How do you tell them they're in a relationship that is not beneficial to them and they need to cut ties? How do you let them know that the job just isn't getting done?
I certainly don't have the answers, but I think you'd have to start by being the person willing to hear the truth. We all know of people who love to speak the truth, but are not really interested when it comes time for others to reciprocate. Secondly, I think it takes a great deal of courage. You have to free yourself from the fear of what others might think about you. There is a sense of putting yourself out there for the other person to utterly reject that is nerve wracking to say the least. Lastly, and most importantly in my opinion, is you have to have the “love”. Truth without love most often comes across as criticism.
Let me know how you're learning to "speak the truth in love" to those in your world. If you find something wrong with this post, by all means, let me know. But make sure it's covered, smothered, scattered and splattered with "love". (Let all those who have stomachs for Waffle House hear what I'm sayin' :-)
What do you think?
Norm...I think that our "truth" has to emanate from the love that we bring. I do believe there is wisdom in holding back from sharing "truth" with people who aren't willing to receive it. For me, I have to be that guy who is gets past "grudgingly receiving" to willfully embracing "truth" from others. I think if we would all be willing to seek and receive candid truth from others it would be a great jumping off place for authenticity. As to how to get others to incorporate it I would hope this would fall into the "give and it will be given back to you..." principle of Scripture. I also feel that when someone gives you, or you give, that permission we have to serve reminders of that in our "truthful" (read difficult) conversations. What are your thoughts?
Thanks for the comments guys and giving me two words to look up. Evince and erudite will make their ways into my vocabulary.
I agree with you both. How do we cultivate authentic presence in friendships? I think that paradoxically we need both bold speach and even more courageous silence. Thomas Merton writes in his journals that we make ourselves real by speaking the truth, whilst on the other hand Abba Isidure of Pelusia (a much beloved Desert Father in my estimation of the Fourth Century) said, 'To live without speaking is better than to speak without living. For the former lives properly and does good even by his silence, but the latter does no good even when he speaks. When words and life correspond to one another, they are together the whole of philosophy.'
The question remains when do we speak and when do we keep silence? Maybe another even more important question is - how do we create healthy environments that foster authentic friendship where people have the freedom to do both in great love?
And now it is time for me to practice silence, before I quote more dead people.
My deepest friendships began with the one who was seeking a greater level of intimacy taking the first step to admit the need for answers -- and for companionship...